Every year, earlier and earlier in the year, the Arizona heat sneaks up and burns our asses without any warning. It is nearing the end of April and we have had our air conditioner on for almost a week. My spring of a radish, the only survivor from my forgetful watering schedule, is about to shrivel up into a raisin and my citrus trees already look like an old woman who fell asleep in a tanning bed, saggy and dried up. So the dogs and I have been holed up inside all day, save for one trip to the dollar store to get cleaner, which I am sure my wife will kill me for buying (it's not environmental friendly in the least!). We have the shades drawn and Jerry Springer has been my soundtrack for the past hour while I force myself to finish my Proposal Writing final. Let me just clarify I have been at my computer for 9 hours and still haven't finished...I did clean the bathtub though! So the day is not an entire loss.
Right now I have a raging tooth ache on the right side of my mouth...fear not, I managed to squeeze a reeses peanut butter cup on to the left side! I know how to work this shit! Thank god for my trusting dentist for calling in the pain meds. I shall be able to cope the rest of the evening and have this sucker yanked tomorrow. On the plus side, K and I occasionally order papa Johns Pizza, and did so a few nights ago for the kids and the babysitter, and I found out that I had been collecting free pizza points for the past 4 years. We now have 4 free pizzas waiting for us...guess what is for dinner tonight?
Today...wait...rewind...last Friday I got a call from CPS that the kids will be starting visits with their father. I have gone through every grieving stage multiple times. Here we are 2 weeks away from court to see if TPR will be granted and this guy shows back up! I was angry! ok...I was PISSED. LIVID. YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE YOU ASSHOLE DUDE I HAVE NEVER MET....and then I was calm because my poor wife was so upset and when she is upset it makes me upset and concerned and all "I am man. I will fix" but I can't fix so then i was frustrated and I had my own dialogue "well...you know, I am not really that attached and they belong with family...blah, blah, blah..." and I told myself they can go...and sometimes when they are screaming bloody murder over a plastic cup...well...
But then I think of all they have given me. I think about how their little eyes light up at story time or tickle time or, shit, even bath time. I love to hear "daddy?"...although I am less fond of "daddy what is this...daddy why is that...daddy are we going to...daddy what are you doing.." you get the point. I often wonder how B-girl manages to breathe between the questions. Whats really funny is when everything tries to come out at once and she just stops talking abruptly, with a groan. It is poetic justice.
And then I am angry again, thinking about all the good and I have NO say in if I will get to keep that good. In two weeks a judge can say "I give the parents another 3 months, 6 months, a year...to get back on track." Which, to a foster parent means "You get another *fill in the blank* to become even more attached." having children is HARD. Sometimes it is downright HELL but being a parent and suffering through all the heartaches, spending all the money, loving as if god put these little people on earth for you and THEN having someone else say, we will take them if this stranger overe here says we can...well that is foster parenting people...and it is not for the weak hearted.
Thankfully...I have K. Nobody can take her.
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