My love

To Kristin

I wished for you. A long, long time ago when I thought my life would never get better. If I ever believed that someone was listening to me, it was the day I met you and realized you were the answer. It's coming upon a new year, another year I am lucky enough you call you my wife. Thank you so much. You are the best wife and mother anyone could ever have.

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Court

So kristin and I went to court for the kids today. We arrived at about 9:30 this morning and after disrobing for the metal detectors, using the bathroom and waiting for the clerk to tell us where to go, we finally arrive outside the court room. The waiting room consisted of two rows of chairs, facing eachother and, of course, our kids bio parents, who were sitting seperate with several chairs between them. It wasnt hard to see that they were "over" eachother. He looked well kepts and it kind of surprised me a bit, considering all I had ever seen were mug shots. She, on the other hand, looked as if she had been drug from one end of the earth to another. Her hair was unkempt, her face suffered the look of a well worn drug addict. It made me sad. It's amazing how drugs can just ruin someone...and not to mention the other somones who depends on them. The bio- father entered a meeting room after being beckoned by his attorney. Ten minutes later he came out, looking unhappy and left the building. He never returned for the hearing. At about 11:10 we finally made it into the court room, the judge first addressed the fathers rights, she was informed he left and decided she would change his case plan to severance/adoption. Then she addressed the mothers plan. The attorney for the mother argued (although it was a faint argument at best) that the mother had been working 3 jobs and had a hard time completing her court ordered services. She also said that if the judge ruled severance/adoption then the maternal grandmother was interested in taking the children. The judge rules severance/adoption again and they set hearings for june, july and august. So now, we wait again. If the kids go to maternal grandmother then their mother gets them back after all, so they will get to see their mother and never live with her again. We already have trouble enough now that they have started visits, I cannot imagine what their poor little lives will be like.

So we wait. And we get kicked around like rag dolls and the kids fate is in the hands of a judicial system that protects a parents right to screw but not a childs right to have a decent upbringing. We wait and we grow bitter at the absolute lack of compassion existing in caseworkers and judges alike. We marvel at the stupidity of these bio parents and we are sad for the tiny little bodies that are supposed to be sleeping in the next room. We dont have time to feel sorry for ourselves right now but when we do...

One week to go

Next Monday we will be heading to court. CPS is pushing for severance for the kids, which, in turn, will give us the option to adopt them. They had a parental visit yesterday and this time it was Nathan who began acting out. Now, I am not a therapist and I hate to read in to every small thing a child does but he seemed quite aggressive last night. He kept hitting and kicking his sister, chasing her around with his hand back, as if he was going to club her and generally being obnoxious toward her. Now that could be because of seeing his parents or it could be because he is a younger brother and gets a rise out of tormenting his sister. Either way, it was enough to get his little butt sent to bed after dinner. I am hoping it was just a mood and this behavior doesnt continue. He's a sweet kid, just very confused.

The past few weeks K and I have been consumed with court. Kids take over your lives but that is noting compared to having foster kids. You not only deal with the kids, you deal with case workers, bio-family, lawyers, doctors, therapists, etc..and the kicker is, you always end up being the one who cares the most and has the least say in the well being of your kids. I pray the importance of NOT moving these children from our homes is evident to the judge. I pray she can see that we have been the ONLY source of stability and confort in their short little lives and that we love them as if they were always ours. I also pray that she will understand that it is important for us to raise their sister as well. I pray for a lot of things but- should none of it work out. I am thankful for what I do have. My life, my wife, my family and friends.

My little boy...

It's almost the end of the month and that means we go to court on May 7th! I am expecting the judge to give the parents more time since they are now having visits, which could be good or bad for us. If the ultimate outcome is that the children are RU'ed then at least we get more time. I finally got a hold of the caseworker yesterday, and felt somewhat relieved by the outlook she gave. However, she doesnt know anymore on what a judge will rule then I do, so my hope is just that, hope. She said she would be open to looking at the possibility of transitioning the baby sister into our care. I would like to keep the kids together if possible. She also mentioned the other foster family is willing to take N and B. I personally would not find it in their best interest to move them again. The baby is still young and would do better with a change then these two would. I just want what is best for the kids but I also want what is best for my heart. I guess time will tell.
Last night, N and I watched Dora the Explorer and we sang the songs and told Dora where Swiper was. As the evening went on he started to get tired and he would lean over and kiss my arm and rest his head on my shoulder. Every now and again I would catch him studying the way I sit and he would cross one leg over the other and act like he was holding the remote. If I got water with ice, he asked for water with ice too. He is an incredible little boy, so sweet and so very, very boy. If it has an engine he is all over it. He tells me when he hears a plane (which is often as the air force base is not to far from us). He knows I love Jeeps and point out every one he sees.

So this is it. This is love like I have never felt before. I look at this kid and I think "I can't wait to go to your afterschool activities. I can't wait to help you learn to drive or give you girl advice (or boy...I am progressive).

 I can't wait to show the world I am your biggest fan

ugh...

So the kids are home now, they had their first visit in which they saw both their parents for the first time in almost 6 months. N has been fine, he's quite the trooper but also a little young to process what is going on. B on the other hand spent the first hour sobbing, when pizza came she took a break, then it was back to sobbing. She has now taken to talking about her "father" every 5 seconds, making sure we knew she didn't want to come back here and that she was sad to be here. It's hard to hear that, I suppose K and I now feel like every other parent who's kids have absolutely NO idea how much they have sacrificed for them. Thankfully I have this blog so i can say all of the things that I cannot say to the kids.

here we go..

Things you cannot say even though you really want to....

I don't know your dad and I don't want to.
No he's not a rock star, he's a selfish pig who gave you up for drugs
Most likely he wont show up next week, so don't hold your breath.
Yes, he gave you candy because he has no regard for the fact that we feed you healthy
He doesnt know that because HE IS NOT AROUND
If you think you'll have it better with him, think again.
No I dont know your mom and I dont want to.
Saw your grandma? Ask her if she wants the trash bags back that she brought all your stuff over in.
Your parents are fucking assholes with zero regard as to how you will feel seeing them and not being able to go home with them.

fuck this shit.

The dog days of...April??

Every year, earlier and earlier in the year, the Arizona heat sneaks up and burns our asses without any warning. It is nearing the end of April and we have had our air conditioner on for almost a week. My spring of a radish, the only survivor from my forgetful watering schedule, is about to shrivel up into a raisin and my citrus trees already look like an old woman who fell asleep in a tanning bed, saggy and dried up. So the dogs and I have been holed up inside all day, save for one trip to the dollar store to get cleaner, which I am sure my wife will kill me for buying (it's not environmental friendly in the least!). We have the shades drawn and Jerry Springer has been my soundtrack for the past hour while I force myself to finish my Proposal Writing final. Let me just clarify I have been at my computer for 9 hours and still haven't finished...I did clean the bathtub though! So the day is not an entire loss.

Right now I have a raging tooth ache on the right side of my mouth...fear not, I managed to squeeze a reeses peanut butter cup on to the left side! I know how to work this shit! Thank god for my trusting dentist for calling in the pain meds. I shall be able to cope the rest of the evening and have this sucker yanked tomorrow. On the plus side, K and I occasionally order papa Johns Pizza, and did so a few nights ago for the kids and the babysitter, and I found out that I had been collecting free pizza points for the past 4 years. We now have 4 free pizzas waiting for us...guess what is for dinner tonight?

Today...wait...rewind...last Friday I got a call from CPS that the kids will be starting visits with their father. I have gone through every grieving stage multiple times. Here we are 2 weeks away from court to see if TPR will be granted and this guy shows back up! I was angry! ok...I was PISSED. LIVID. YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE YOU ASSHOLE DUDE I HAVE NEVER MET....and then I was calm because my poor wife was so upset and when she is upset it makes me upset and concerned and all "I am man. I will fix" but I can't fix so then i was frustrated and I had my own dialogue "well...you know, I am not really that attached and they belong with family...blah, blah, blah..." and I told myself they can go...and sometimes when they are screaming bloody murder over a plastic cup...well...

But then I think of all they have given me. I think about how their little eyes light up at story time or tickle time or, shit, even bath time. I love to hear "daddy?"...although I am less fond of "daddy what is this...daddy why is that...daddy are we going to...daddy what are you doing.." you get the point. I often wonder how B-girl manages to breathe between the questions. Whats really funny is when everything tries to come out at once and she just stops talking abruptly, with a groan. It is poetic justice.

And then I am angry again, thinking about all the good and I have NO say in if I will get to keep that good. In two weeks a judge can say "I give the parents another 3 months, 6 months, a year...to get back on track." Which, to a foster parent means "You get another *fill in the blank* to become even more attached." having children is HARD. Sometimes it is downright HELL but being a parent and suffering through all the heartaches, spending all the money, loving as if god put these little people on earth for you and THEN having someone else say, we will take them if this stranger overe here says we can...well that is foster parenting people...and it is not for the weak hearted.

Thankfully...I have K. Nobody can take her.

So my wife found this blog I began and never returned to. She called me on it. I had completely forgotten I ever attempted it. Since I last wrote my world has been turned upside down. We have been fostering two children, B is a girl and she is 3 and N is a boy and he is 2. We have had them for a little over two months and it looks (hopefully, hopefully, hopefully) as if their case plan may change so we can adopt them.
It's been a struggle. Kristin worries she isn't doing everything she always wanted to do..and me? I'm just trying to survive. It doesnt help that I work and go to school full time. I try to squeeze in my gym time...and I do most days of the week...but the juggling is exhausting and I'd be lying if I didn't say there were times I second guessed my decision to parent two children at such an intense age. Don't get me wrong..my wife kicks ass! Shes like a supah ninja, ready to whisk the kids out of daddys hair when homework comes calling. Still...it's a big adjustment.
I have exciting news. News that has me glued to the computer, scouring travel sites about Oregon. Last night I booked a week long trip so Kristin and I can finally take the honeymoon we never had! We plan on roaming the Oregon coast, hiking, whale watching and whatever else interesting we can find. We have other motives though, we are planning to see if its a place we would want to move. If so, we will try to be out of AZ in 3 years or so, after the kids get adopted (hopefully!)

Tonight cousin kylie is over and the Muppets have taken over my big screen. Tomorrow is church and, oh, that holiday called Easter.

Happy easter all.